Day 46

It was all good just a month ago. I started the year with a wave of new energy and motivated to do things differently in regards to my career, finances, and my relationships. I made a vision board that defined what I’m trying to pursue this year and included things to help keep my 4 healths (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional) in check. I wrote it down. I prayed on it. I was happy. Now I’m feeling drained and not as ecstatic and it’s taking a toll on me. I feel like it was so long ago that I was bright eyed and bushy tailed, making all these plans for the year, to include timelines for the next few months of my life… but now it feels like those timelines will have to be pushed back yet again. I get so thrown off when I can’t make things happen – well I’ll eventually make it happen but it’s just disheartening that I can’t have it all together when I want to have it together. One aspect always hurts the next and creates these emotional burdens – humps that I have to get myself over. So much has happened this year and maybe that’s the reason the passion I had burning last month seems like a time long ago. I’m almost starting to feel… stuck… AGAIN [face palm]. I mean I know I’m moving forward but it feels like it’s at a slant, like a drunk person trying to walk in a straight line. Sigh… I lack patience with myself. I will give everybody else several chances to get it right in my life but I’m so hard on myself with everything. I make big moves but give myself little to no validation. Like I know I’m a rockstar (in the most humble way) but then there are times I feel like the dark side of a rockstar – secretly suffering in sadness and in constant battles with myself. I’m honestly not happy with a lot of choices I’ve made that I haven’t yet forgiven myself for or learned to just live with while continuing my life. There are too many moments where I spend time thinking about what I could’ve done differently instead of what I learned. I mean lately I’ve been preaching about using experiences as teaching moments but that has literally been for situations as of late, not the past issues. And it’s not like I can change the past so I shouldn’t let it dull my fire. Rome wasn’t built in a day and greatness can’t be rushed [throws up fist in triumph]!

But I’m tired of shuffling sideways instead of being able to get ahead.

Tired of being negatively stuck in my own head. Struggling with being spirit led.

Maybe it’s not even as bad as I think.

Maybe I just need some food and some sleep…