Let me paint a picture.
It’s December and I’m outside with my friends. The music is hitting and the drinks are flowing; I’m wearing an outfit that came together perfectly for these SB Dunks I have and my makeup is flawless. I’m looking good and having a good time, but inside I’m spiraling and trying to cover up for the toughest week I’d had mentally. That week I was dead inside already. I kept looking for things that gave me hope, but I was losing it all slowly. It was getting to the point that even Kaine wasn’t enough to keep going (and if you know me, that’s my child and I don’t play about him). That Friday, my friends go one way, and I end up visiting someone who I hadn’t seen or even talked to in months. When I made it there my thoughts were all over the place and didn’t even know why I’d reached out to them, but there I was, sitting on the kitchen counter. After that it’s sort of a blur, but I know I didn’t just blurt it out. All I remember is saying, “I’m not well. I don’t want to be here anymore,” and then continued to play with their daughter.
Two things happened that night:
1. I finally admitted what was really going on inside to someone else… out loud… in real life!
2. A one-year-old brought me joy and smiles as we danced to some random toy that sang.
I think about that night often for those very two reasons. The next day it prompted me to tell my friends both things, but it was nothing like saying it out loud the first time. It was a feeling of relief to finally tell someone what I was feeling based off of what I was going through at that time. For once I wasn’t trying to be this strong person. I was just being honest with myself and those closest to me. And I see why honesty is the best policy, because now I’m free from whatever lie I was trying to keep up. I thought I was protecting myself, but really I was hurting myself even more. What a wicked way for me to do me. But depression makes you do some wild things.
Since then I’ve been getting better each day. My hope is filled, my faith is present, and I’m happy I’m here. Opening my mouth to confess to myself really changed things. Now I have the most accurate picture of where I’m at and I can move accordingly. Sitting here acting like the cartoon dog in the burning room meme with the caption “this is fine” and that same dumb ass look on my face was not cutting it. It almost sent me __________. And since I’m being honest, I almost can’t even believe where I am right now.
Let me paint another picture.
It’s the end of January and I’m planning my next month and seeing where I am on reaching my goals. I’m smiling and my skin is glowing. I’m breathing deeply and not panicked. I see my future and it’s bright. My spiritual health has increased tremendously and as a result, my hair is growing again. It’s amazing the shift I’m experiencing, all because I decided to be loud with my honesty.
CheckMyLipss 