I don’t know where these scared tactics have come from but this isn’t it. I’m really not the type to play it safe with most things, like I’m quick to jump the gun when I see an opportunity, but lately I’ve been all timid when it comes to my plans and trying too hard to wait for a sign. My faith is better when I’m actively pursuing things. It’s hard for me to see a feasible outcome when I’m just sitting around and waiting for it to happen – this is when I start stressing and the anxiety heightens to the point of a breakdown. The other day I was talking to one of my best friends and she told me about how she was reminded of the time a few years ago when she made moves to better herself and didn’t think twice about it. Like she would just go out and find new jobs that aligned with her goals when the current job wasn’t working out for her and just overall make moves to benefit herself. She told me she forgot she was like that but that all she needed was the reminder and now she’s about to get back to it. In her story I came to a realization of my own: 2018 wasn’t all that bad.
I had someone tell me I fell off, ooh I needed that. – Drake
I know you were probably thinking I had a different thought but hear me out. I’ve literally been looking at that year as the worst year of my life but really it was one of the most uncomfortable years I ever had and was just full of tests, but there were triumphs too. I’ve been too busy thinking of last year as the year that broke me when really it was the year that showed me how I could finesse a situation if I really tried, plus I’m still here!!! I’m stronger than I ever knew because of 2018. I was pushing myself past limits and those bouts of fear to make it better for myself. Now this year I got comfortable which means I became stagnant and Lord knows I’m nowhere near where I want to be in life. I’m just sitting around being uncomfortably comfortable and it sucks. When I’m in the gym, one way I push myself to increase the weight and finish my set is to remind myself that my parents didn’t raise a little punk (and turn on a trap song) and then all of a sudden I get the strength of my ancestors to finish strong. I’m not sure why that works but it does and I wish I had used it more in life this year. Lately I’ve been acting scared to take certain risks and push through so I’ve stayed at a certain level of “comfort” which has caused me more stress and unhappiness, I’m over it [insert extreme eye roll]. Recently, I decided to disconnect from the outside world again (currently still disconnected while writing this) and I decided to get back to listening to the sermons from Transformation Church. I started listening to the “Crazy Faith” series during my Soul Cleanse but then stopped for no good reason at all, so I went back to them during this hiatus. While listening I realized that my scared ways and trying to stay lowly have all been ways that my faith has been compromised. On top of that, when I stress I start to feel bad that my faith is wavering but I literally only need to have faith the size of a mustard seed so now I’m getting back to it. Scary people don’t make big moves (or big money) and I know I deserve more. The past couple of days have been what I needed to ignite that fire back in me. Last year proved I could withstand anything and this year I’ve been sitting for far too long. I like being uncomfortable, it’s my driving force. And like I said, my parents didn’t raise a little punk so it’s time I act accordingly and turn on my trap music, trust in my Faith, and use the strength of my ancestors to get through my set.
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